


Rule 9

by Questions3



Series: Rules and Regulations [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Bilbo Baggins, BAMF Gramma Baggins, Baby Bilbo Baggins, Female Bilbo, Gen, Proper Etiquette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:37:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9183889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Questions3/pseuds/Questions3
Summary: It's All Presentation





	

            “Now Bilbo, what are the proper uses for handkerchiefs?”

            “Noses.”

            “That’s right. What else?”

            “Hands?”

            “Good, good. What else dear one?”

            “Chloroform?”

            Laura Baggins was not amused.

***

            “Alright my dove, tell me what this spoon is for.”

            “Soup!”

            “Good! And this one?”

            “Um… tea.”

            “Exactly, good girl. Now what is this larger fork for?”

            “Dinner!”

            “You know, you’re mother may be doing a better job than I give her credit. Now dove, what is this tiny fork here on the far right used for?”

            “Oh, that’s the one Mama says she’ll use to gouge out Uncle Isengrim’s eyes if he keeps makin’ off with her favorite berry tarts before’s she’s had her share.”

            “… It’s for oysters, dear. _Just_ oysters.”

***

            “Right, now. A Lady must always what?”

            “Sit straight and proper.”

            “Good. Where should her hands be?”

            “In her lap where she can sneak into her pocket and get her dagger without anyone knowin’ any better.”

            “… No daggers at the dinner table dear, give it here.”

            “Yes Gramma.”

            “Good lass. Now where should her eyes be?”

            “Starin’ straight at the good fer nothin’ horses arse that’d make off wit her good china so as he knows no’ to cross ‘er.”

            “… Lady’s don’t curse dear, leastwise not in polite company. Bilbo, darling, I think we’re going to end our day a bit early. It seems I’ve some things to talk to your Mama about. Is that alright with you dove?”

            “Can I still have cookies?”

            “Of course my heart. You can have all the cookies you want. Just don’t use them to choke anyone.”

            “Oh no! Papa says never waste food, it’s bad form!”

            “Thank the Lady you’ve _some_ good influence in that heathen’s den.”

            “What’s a heathen Gramma?”

            “Your Mama.”

            **crunch crunch** “Oh!” **crunch crunch**

            “Here dear, you’ve got some crumbs.”


End file.
